“Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows
nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement – and we will
make the goal.”
― Robert Collier

There are times when  we all feel like we’re swimming against the tide or current. The impossible lies ahead. We swim forward and end up back where we started, a goldfish circling it’s glass bowl round and round, heads down,  trying to attack whatever is placed in our way with a dogged determination.  You make some progress only to find yourself back where you started.

I then remembered that I was an actor and life has always been like this, it’s not new, it’s just that maybe by the age of forty three which is the age I turned this month I thought I would have created a more ‘grown up’ lifestyle by now. Maybe had my own front door without having to navigate a corridor filled with  all sorts of anxiety before reaching mine.   There  is also the fact that the Tory government sneaked back in and we’re unluckily in a ‘housing crisis’ just as we’ve decided to err…grow up and make a big change. Also my best mate ( who I’m missing like mad in New York) tells me  mercury in my  ruling sign of Gemini is cheekily retrograde again…what hope do I have, even the planets are telling me to just watch it all unfold from the side lines. Now is a time to reflect they say…reflect? I want to get stuck in, get my hands dirty, I will work so hard on a new project if you just throw one at me. So what do you do? Sit tight keep working and ploughing on and ‘wait for something to happen?’  I suppose so. Because something will. It always does.  So what’s the point in fighting it? And my head is hurting from banging my head against the glass. And there’s always the veg art. That IS making life that little bit lighter.

  I wrote a very pretentious song when I was around 17 called ‘The fairground colours have faded’  ( life is hard hey when you’re seventeen)I It featured a Goldfish who had been won at Buckley fair( North Waleans know where this is).  but who knows deep down that he faces his nearing funeral ‘ The goldfish prepares for it’s dark dismal funeral, his coffin is waiting with others abused’…yeah I know, grim, bleak, choosing to see the tragedy and not to see the ‘Wagons of copper and gold’…yep, there really were ‘Wagons of copper and gold’ in there too and ‘The sky showing stains of mould’. Some of you Youth theatre folk may remember it from around 1989. I also ‘chose’ as my art project during this period to paint images of gravestones inspired by the phrase ‘thoughts from the past’. I wouldn’t be surprised if I also had my Walkman attached to me ear listening to the Smiths. You get the idea. I’m not sure if we sang it in the rock band Legend I was in but it would have been a strong contender. I couldn’t help but think of it when this little fella appeared on my chopping board the other day ( I have to stress these are at the end of the shift and take literally moments to make.) He was very quickly made into soup the next day, no wonder he looks miserable. Anyway, the song goes on about how ‘How time is passing slowly and I feel I’ve grown old’. Really? Ah the ignorance of youth, seventeen and already feeling old. Little do we know that life races so quickly and as we get older  we’re clutching onto time, grabbing as much of it as possible. I’m so glad that I’ve developed a sense of humour over the years and that’s a great gift of getting older as there’s far more to feel bleak about now, but I can recognize how much there is to feel grateful and happy about too and I’ve learnt to try my best to see the ray of light in the darkness, the little beacon of hope. As I’ve got older I’ve also learnt to laugh at myself too as life is funny in all its dark corners as well as Technicolor ones. And also that Vegetables can be funny…Look!

 

Which leads me onto those lighter shades and how I want to celebrate the community around me.  This year has proved a sad one in many ways so far. Its been tinged with loss only a breath away and I’ve seen and am seeing friends really struggling with situations that are challenging to say the least. But in the centre of this is a wonderful community who support and keep afloat people nearby.  And it seems more and more important these days to have that especially when so many people no longer live close to their extended families. We can all feel isolated at times and to know that there is someone nearby counts for more than anything. So important too to be there not just to wipe  the odd tear away ( be that from too many onions or genuine) but also those supporting other parts of your life. The amazing casting director Shakyra Dowling has managed to get me seen and  get jobs for the most fascinating projects over the last couple of years and has certainly kept the creative juices flowing in my acting career. I would have undoubtedly thrown in the towel without her belief in me. Running regularly with local friends has proved a saviour when I’ve felt anxious and haven’t slept ( due to housing problems) and to talk with them while running has helped us all feel stronger in times of crisis as well as the ones I don’t run with!  I’m lucky to work with amazing people at the step and even a massive problem that I had with this website last week has been quickly fixed by a friend nearby. We need to be there for each other in a community. It really does help those swimming against the tide to feel more buoyant.

Oh and in other news, I’m pencilled for an advert, Time will tell movie have been busy in Cannes, I’ve entered one of my plays into the Bruntwood prize  and I’m painting….local views because I need to and can see the beauty and hope around me.

New river….new painting. Onwards up stream!!